Reality Slip

It's with tears in my eyes by no surprise that I lift the guise and tend to the lies
Intertwine the vine that wraps around my spine into my core and deviates when it finds
the thin line veiled, unveiled only for purposes not yet known the ones who failed
tempted temptress, possessor of all evil intent indeed
mounted troubles grow and pressure on shoulders pushes down past your feet
weighing you down in the troubles, as you get swallowed into the epicenter of its wake
the void filled only with darkness, like a blackhole in your heart is at stake
or in jeopardy .. either or it makes no difference
it's the repetition of the innocence that fouls my injectors with its insistence
A good man standing tall through all things told to him, and troubles he's faced
only to feel like no matter what pains he passes, his faith is misplaced
on my knees begging the Lord to please help me, see me through this pain
tears filled in my eyes and still I can't find ground to regain
problems are always mine, pain only known to me
like the docter with the mallet, silently but forcefully tapping your knee
"Did that hurt?" he asks, with a puzzled look on his face
"It hurts every time dude", as the tears from my eyes are displaced
I grab at my chest, and feel my heart beating a millions time over the pace
I try to calm down, but feel like an addict who missed his turn in place
I'm jittery, jumpy, I'm all over the room
I'm up and I'm down, I'm just not in the mood
I cry and I tear, I sulk and I slump
I beg and I plead, for God to help me up
fallen so many times, and at times I really feel that God doesn't care for me
that I've done something to wrong him, and happiness he refuses for me, Richie
eyes turned red, as the floodgates turn loose
I speed and I weave, as my car throttle control will steadily smooths

Dark nights, filled no longer with headlights
no light to be seen, so it's literally driving blind in fright
feel like there are others around me, but no ambient light to be had
so I clutch my steering wheel and I get even more mad
Angry like the little child refused that silly toy
so I sit and I sulk, for the world to pass by as they enjoy ..
the things that I wish I could have, but it's seeming I can't
so I turn to my emotions, and I post on my rant
I've wronged God I'm sure, because he loves making me cry
I didn't pray enough, didn't go to church enough .. I need a reason why
Why can't I be happy .. why must pain seep into my heart
why do I sit here crying while others aren't nearly so torn apart
Why can't I find God, why can't I enjoy your grace
am I just entirely such a sinner, that I am no longer saved?
Into the depths of the alley, I creep and I lay
holding my head down without your glory, and it seems as though there I stay
I've tried to find you Lord, I've tried to correct my wayward life
I just don't know how anymore, so I sit here with my veins and a knife
Not a physical knife, in the shape of a blade
but a knife in the shape of faith, because it seems the strings are now frayed
teetering on the edge, of happiness and sorrow
it seems I always get the latter, day after day, yesterday and tomorrow
I don't know if I'm saved ..
I don't know if I'm loved
I don't know your true glory
I need more than a shove
my heart cries right now for your guidance, I need an Angel so much right now
please God, I beg you .. someway .. somehow
I'm miserable every day, I wake up and I'm cold
I cry silently to myself, because your glory I can't behold
I'm left behind all alone .. pondering seriously where I went wrong
I feel like I find you at times, but you don't stay with me for too long
Lost in the crowd, I'm the 5 year old in New York City
so many happy faces passing by, yet it feels like nobody has pity
no kind hand to grasp, no police-man to show me the way
I've fallen off of the righteous path, and I feel I'm drifting more each day
Crying .. crying .. crying my eyes so pure
I don't know what to do, or how to explore
the kingdom that is yours .. I really just don't know
I miss you ..
I miss you ..
but just really .. I don't know


"Where do I go from here?" I think as I grab my keys
I just need to get out .. I'm begging you please
Wasting gas is a must .. as being in the silence is to much
slide the key out my pocket, open the door, sit, engage the clutch
Key in the ignition ..
turn it to on
hear the starter crank
then the motors runs strong
Watch the RPMs, as they sit at 1200
think to myself .. "God doesn't love you, sorry, you're alone kid"
Slowly idles drop, as the secondary air injection pump shuts down
idle steady at 900, engage reverse, and turn up the sound
back up a couple feet, then I open the gate
walk back to my car, and make sure my tires are properly inflated
back out of the gate, being mindful of traffic
hah, even though I'm so depressed, I don't want my end to be so tragic
park on the edge, then close the gate back
hop back in my car, now for the plan of attack
straight down the block ..
a right
then a left.
Come to the stop sign .. look .. then dip around the cleft
Another right, then a left .. straight to parkway in sight
cross over the bridge, and then call it a night
Feeling the gears engage as I let off the clutch
pouring my heart out to my car, and feeling it's emotions in such a rush
Having our hour long conversation, talking me through the pain
to finally reach my destination, and finally put an end to this sudden rain


Now on to bigger things, things that reveal the true reason behind the flight
the reasons why I'm posting this at 9 o'clock at night
It's the happiness that is gone, and the longing for the Lord
for God to embrace me fully, and tell me his joys I can afford
as I sit here I cry .. I cry and grab my chest
I love you God .. please love me
Please .. please. I beg you my Lord. I want ..
no.
I need .. to be blessed.
so I rest.